Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin: That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

Calvin: There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse!

Calvin: I was put on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind I will never die.

Dad: The world isn't fair, Calvin.
Calvin: I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

Dad: "Once upon a time..."
Calvin: Hold it. This story doesn't have any shoot-ups in it, does it?
Dad: You mean guns? No.
Calvin: Any violence at all?
Dad: Um... not really.
Calvin: Any reference to satanism? Any profanity? Any car chases? Any lewd parts?
Dad: Of course not!
Calvin: What makes you think I'll like this?

Calvin: Psst... Susie! What's 12 + 7?
Susie: A billion.
Calvin: Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right... That's what she said 3 + 4 was.

Calvin: Hi, Mom! Since you're sick, I'm bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs, toast and orange juice for you all by myself.
Mum: How nice!
Calvin: The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan. But you can probably chip them out with this chisel.
Mum: Um... where is the toast and orange juice?
Calvin: Dad said not to tell you about that till you're better.

Calvin: How do they know the load limit on bridges, Dad?
Dad: They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge.
Calvin: Oh, I should've guessed.
Mum: Dear, if you don't know the answer, just tell him!

Hobbes: This article says that many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year.
Calvin: I believe it. This season sure fills me with stress.
Hobbes: Really? How come?
Calvin: I hate being good.

Susie: HEY, CALVIN! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?!
Calvin: DROP DEAD, SUSIE! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!!
Calvin: It's shameless the way we flirt.